


Already Gone

by manquant



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Bahrain, F/M, Gen, Melinda May Appreciation Week, The Cavalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-24 00:21:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1584782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manquant/pseuds/manquant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gifted individual Coulson may be talking about in 1x09 Repairs was the same little girl May was supposed to let go. She is both telekinetic and telepathic. She's just a scared little girl who wants a mommy. Melinda could be that. But everything about that welcome wagon went south.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to do this for a long time but finally had the push when it was included in the post prompts for Melinda May Appreciation Week (Go to Melinda May Appreciation Week tag on tumblr & twitter and participate.)

The possibility of death had always been present in their field of work but the moment she entered the compound, she knew this might be it as the fanatics come rushing in. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath (for a moment thinking about how worried Coulson is right now - he tried to stop her from leaving their team behind when she told him she can fix the problem but she still went when everyone else went to bed) and prepared to face them. She repeated her plan: cross off as many as possible, free the imprisoned agents and retrieve the gifted individual if possible. Odds stacked up this high is never new to her. When she opened her eyes, they were frozen in place. It was so quiet. Then there was a stirring from behind and a little girl comes out. The air's very dry but she can see the child shaking.

"Who are you? Are you going to hurt me? They want to hurt you. I stopped them." She has the most angelic smile May has ever seen.

"Hurt you? No. I am Melinda May. What is your name? What are you doing here? This is not a place for a kid."

"They said I should stay here. I don't have a name, Melinda May." The child was struggling to pronounce her full name. May was weary from the journey from the base where the remaining agents assigned to this Index Asset Evaluation and Intake mission regrouped. Something about the kid made her smile back.

"We'll think of one, then. I'm here because I'm looking for my teammates. Do you know where they are?"

The kid shook her head and approached May. She held her hand and looked up at Melinda. "Can you be my mommy?"

She was taken aback. "Me? Your mommy?"

"Yes. I am all alone. I'm scared. They are bad."

"Don't be." She placed her left hand on top of the one clasping her right. I'm here. "I'm an agent. Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I can find you a home away from them and it won't be scary."

The child's voice changed into a more solemn tone. "You're a kind soul, I am not scared of you." It changed back as if nothing weird just happened. "They... they said I could save them."

"Can you?" May's aware that since this is the gifted individual they were sent to, she can't make the child more scared than she already. She tried maintaining a light conversation.

"I'm only five."

"Yes, I figured."

"You're smart, too." 

"Am I? I think you're smarter." The child chuckled to her wink. "Have you eaten?"

"No. I want to."

"I'm not sure about other things but I can bake. Do you like cupcakes? With lots of icing?"

She's clearly excited at the prospect. "Yes! Can we go now?"

"Can you just wait for me here? I will just look around. I really have to bring my team with us." _Sorry, dear. I won't be a proper mother to you. But I will find you the best home even if S.H.I.E.L.D. won't._

"What? You can't be my mommy?"

"Huh?"

"I heard you. I don't want to go if not with you."

She can see the fanatics starting to move again. The girl's panicking, starting to cry. She's losing control of her powers. But that's not Melinda's main concern at the moment. They would be trapped in the middle if they don't move out fast. They would still attack her and take the child away and she wasn't even able to at least free her fellow agents who are capable of bringing the child to safety. "Shhh. Let's talk about that when we get out, okay? Come with me."

She carried the child and started walking out but it was too late. Chaos ensued. Her first instinct was to place the girl as far away from them as possible but they are surrounded.

"Do you trust me?" The girl nodded. "When we escape this, alright, I will be your mom. For now, you have to be calm and stay behind my back, okay?"

Melinda fought one after the other but the attackers never seem to run out. Her stamina's starting to catch up with her. A swift kick here, an uppercut there. Knocking them out would have been easier if she is not this cornered. No guns can be found. It would have been a great help but then there's the possibility of the child getting shot so she abandons the idea. Suddenly, someone swooped in behind her and took the girl. They all came rushing in after to form a human barricade, making sure the child's too far away.

"Mommy, help!" The poor girl's calling out to May with outstretched hands. She's greatly outnumbered.  _Sorry, Phil. I assumed I could but I ended up making all this worse_. Forget the odds, no matter what, she has to save this child. She just a kid. She fights her way through them while another of the crazed lot got a rusty pole with a jagged edge and was about to use it like a spear from her behind.

Then she heard the girl screaming and everyone fell down, dead. The child came running back to her.

"Are you okay? Will you take me and be my mommy now?" the child innocently asked. Melinda cannot hide the horror on her face as she surveyed what the child had done. There was blood everywhere. The girl looked around and realization slowly kicks in. She was aghast.

"I did that? I'm a monster..." May was reluctant to hold the child but she could see her fears being mirrored in the child's eyes. The girl's staring at her bloodied hands. She can feel her knees losing strength so shaking, she knelt in front of the girl and embraced her. "No, you're not."

"I am, I am a monster. You don't like to be my mommy anymore because I scare you like they scare me." The child gently broke the embrace and started stepping away from her, tears streaming down her face. "No, please stay. Calm down, sweetie. Everything will be fine."

"No, everything's wrong. I am very wrong. I'm so sorry for being a bad girl. Don't worry, mommy, with this, I can't hurt you." The girl's eyes starts to glow.

May's desperate. She doesn't know what's happening but she's sure it's anything but good. She can't let the girl go like this. "No, don't! Please stop this. You wouldn't hurt me, I believe in you, sweetie. Please, come back!"

Melinda didn't realize it but her own tears are streaming down her face just as hard as she wants this to come to a halt. The girl went to her, eyes still glowing, and wiped her tears. "You're scared of me, aren't you? I told you I can hear you. Yes, I might hurt you. And I don't want that. Please stop crying. I love sweet cupcakes with rainbow sprinkles. But I love you more, mommy." 

The child smiled and cupped her face then everything went white. Next thing she knew, the child lay in front of her. If not for the rush of adrenaline coupled with instinct, she wouldn't be able to function with what she just witnessed. She tried everything she could to revive the girl, to no avail.

 

 

When he realized that May snuck out of the base after they talked, Coulson woke the rest of the team to go after her; he can't let May go in that suicide rescue alone. He was first in but he wasn't prepared for what he saw when they reached the location: everyone lay dead and Melinda was at the center, holding a lifeless child. She was just there, covered in blood like her surroundings, not saying, not crying, nothing. Just holding the child as if it's the most precious thing in the whole world.

"Melinda, we're here. Hey. It's done now." She does not move an inch. "Whatever happened here, you fixed the problem. It's over. Let the girl go..."

She looked at him but her eyes were not looking at his, it's blank. He can feel her not having any will to leave her current position but she's in grave shock, she needs medical attention. Her eases the child away from her. He removes his suit and drapes it on her shoulders. He envelopes her in a tight embrace. "I'm here, May. Always." It's hard to see her remain so stiff, her face not betraying the obvious sorrow. Her ashen complexion does though and he knows the torment she's having is unspeakable. 

He goes out of the compound with her leaning heavily on him - his strong May, barely even able to walk. The rest of the team averts their eyes but he trusts them to deal with the aftermath of this. Neither he nor Melinda turned back when the compound burst into flames the moment they stepped out of it.

As soon as the ambulance door closes, she collapses onto him. He holds her left hand tightly as the medics fussed over her limp body.


	2. Chapter 2

Five days. She woke up. Everything was still hazy but she got it when the attending nurse told her he never left her side - even when Director Fury called him in to report on how the welcome wagon went. No, that was not a welcome wagon. **It wasn't**.

He's starting to wake. She can't bear to speak to him on what happened, it's too soon.

"It's too soon, I know. You should rest more." She does not look at him. There's no more strength in her to cry after the girl wiped her tears.

"Let's go to Penn. I'm on indefinite leave. We both are. I'll drive you to your mom. We already talked on the phone. She was waiting here when we flew you in. When your vitals stabilized, she went ahead and prepared the house."

She faced the other side of the bed. He kissed her forehead. "You can speak to me. About anything. Let me help you."

She closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

 

 

Even after she was discharged and they went to her mother's house, she stayed in bed. That was uncharacteristically her but then who can blame her? No one attempted to bring up Bahrain. Nevertheless, both her mother and Phil watched over her, the latter almost 24/7. Her mother is retiring next year but her agency still has a lot of loose ends to tie with her so she's out for the larger part of the day. Him, on the other hand, ignores HQ calls - they're on leave, he reasons out. He should have submitted the complete report by now. S.H.I.E.L.D. is still in the dark on what actually happened - only unconfirmed rumors circulated, thanks to the agents she had apparently saved. They didn't see anything except the bodies on their way out since they were gagged in the basement the entire time. The word about Manama, Bahrain discreetly but rapid spread throughout the ranks. Unbeknownst to the two of them, agents started pertaining to May as The Cavalry. One might think they're off the grid since they're nowhere to be found but Fury knew better. He sent Hill on the guise of having tea with May's mother. Romanov tagged along.

"Good day, ma'am."

"No need to be so formal, Maria. I see you're also here, Natalia. Let's go inside." The former sits herself but the latter remained standing.

"Excuse me, ma'am, I'm not really in the mood for tea. I can bring one up to Melinda. She's upstairs, right?"

"Go ahead." Natasha poured out a cup of tea and left the two to talk. May's mom had always liked Maria more than her, considering she got acquainted with Hill first.

She knocked once and opened the door herself. Melinda was looking out the window, her hair a bit disheveled and Phil was dozing off, seated on the chair beside the bed. "Finally, he slept."

"You're not in the mood for idle chatter, are you? I'm not, too. I brought you tea. Chamomile." Melinda accepts it.

"I'm not here to prod you to tell me anything. I do not let Nick push me into doing things like that. He wouldn't dare, especially with you."

Melinda sips her tea. "You have always been supportive of me. I want to thank you for that. When Barton brought me in alive, they were all way too wary to approach me. But you weren't. You came in that room and gave me cookies. I was really starved that day, after all that time trying to avoid getting captured. No one noticed that, only you. You include me in your pranks, even Maria goes to me for inside information. She's always worried she might be the next target. Of course, I don't give in - where's the fun in that? You even volunteered to train the great and terrible Black Widow when Coulson or Clint is on a mission. I really wished they made it official I'm under your wing, you did most of the work, not those two. What do you think?"

May musters a smile but Natasha sees it doesn't have the spark she knew so well.

"I miss the cookies, Melinda..." "I... I can't ask you to come back unchanged because that never is possible. But don't do **this** to yourself." She squeezes May's hand, takes the empty cup and leaves the room.

 

 

Maria Hill intercepted her on her way to the director's office. "Agent May, you are on indefinite leave."

"I did not apply for that."

"Your partner, Agent Coulson, did." She gave her an are-you-going-to-stall-me-or-I-have-to-make-you-let-me-in look.

 

"Agent May."

"Director Fury." She places the application on his desk. He doesn't even have to browse it for longer than a minute to know what it means. "You want to report for combat. Extraction missions, specifically. Does Coulson know about this?"

"No."

"What if I say no?" She doesn't respond. "Alright. I think the last place you want to be is stuck here at the Triskelion, waiting for me. But you'll do that, look at that determined face of yours. I'll make sure Hill notifies you when I reach a decision."

She nods and turns to leave. As she grasps the doorknob, Fury spoke again. "I have every right to demand to know what went down there. Coulson refused to tell me, his own commanding officer, out of respect for you. I let that go since there are things... You shouldn't stop just because of what happened. You're one of our top agents. And a really good person."

"I'm not, sir." She closes the door behind her.

Nick Fury gave his approval the next morning. She was given her own airbus and freedom on mission choice. For the next three months, she has single-handedly made more extraction ops than any other S.H.I.E.L.D. team ever. She'd go straight to locations, even those classified as 'no extraction' or less than one percent of survival. Her moniker, The Cavalry even reached higher status. In the darkest of times, The Cavalry comes and brings light - that's just one of the lines she overheard when she stopped by the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy once.

She never reveled in being considered a legend. Despite the fame, no one dares to mention anything in her presence. The nightmare she has to live with everyday is ordeal enough. It never stopped with the dreams. Tai-chi helps her focus but she can see that girl smiling everywhere she goes, with her glowing eyes saying those last words over and over again. Even the scent of burning candles her mother had given her would trigger the memory instead of calming her. She can't rush herself this way. Running won't solve anything. Getting herself flung right into the heart of almost-fatal extractions one country to another isn't the cure. She was offered a Level 8 security clearance level promotion but she declined and filed a transfer request to Administration instead. No one refuses a promotion but any questions asked were hushed. She turned in the airbus in The Slingshot that same day and went straight to her apartment. She hadn't been there since Bahrain.

 

 

The flat was dimly lit but she knew the person sitting on the sofa. Coulson was waiting for her. It was the longest period they had no contact. She made sure to completely cut him off. "I'm so glad you came back, May."

"I didn't know where you went. You just left me there. Your mother and I would be clueless if not for Maria, she notified me."

"She told me you didn't want what I did. After seeing you like that, I just had to file that leave for you."

"Being way too hard on yourself, did it work? Nat and Clint told me you even got them out more than once. I know how their missions are..."

"Can't you see I'm really worried here, Melinda?!"

"Where is she?" she said in a very low tone.

"Is that it?" They both sigh, knowing pushing each other like this would be a futile struggle. "Come, I'll drive you."

The grave was on one of the quieter parts of the cemetery. She touched the bare tombstone."I never knew her name, Phil."

"You had the chance to know her?" She nodded meekly."What was she like?"

"An angel." _An angel who did that because of me_ , words she left unspoken. _She could have been our daughter, if only I did not hesitate. She believed in me, I did not_.

She looks at him. It's the first time in a long period that she has had a good look at this man who vowed to never leave her side and kept his word. _You also do and I don't think I can pretend I'm the Melinda you had unconditional faith in_. She hands him her wedding ring. _We both know I'm a disaster. I failed with her but I can save you from this_. "Go. Live your life." She walked away didn't even look back.

He moved out but did not sign any papers to officially end it. All records were subsequently erased so aside from the two of them, the ones aware Melinda May was ever married to Phil Coulson was only the S.H.I.E.L.D. members with the right security clearance.

 

 

Despite their marriage ending the way it did, he would call her and they would talk for hours. He did. Since her transfer to Administration, he had been active more than ever on the field. Fury let him handle the best projects while she let herself be surrounded by piles and piles of memos to be distributed to lower security clearance S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. The way he treated her never changed. He'd regal her of his stories but she barely answers back. He was still able to read her more than ever. He hangs up when he knows it's enough corny jokes for the day, for example. When he's in the country, he takes her out on Fridays. Movies, theatre, museums, parks - you name it. All his efforts are met with a stoic face but once in a while, there's that hint of gleam in her eyes and that's enough for him. But as try as he might, his visits and calls became less frequent. The Avengers Initiative was taking too much of his time and there's Audrey. The mission with Blackout was one of the last May had. Her transfer had been processed the same day it was filed but Coulson asked it as a personal favor. The cellist thinks he did all the work but to put it in his words, it was actually 'his wonderful Melinda' who worked out how to defeat the stalker. She delivered him straight to The Fridge while he stayed behind to comfort Audrey. She isolated herself more than ever and inevitably, he fell for the grace that is this cellist.

Her cubicle in the Administration office can be compared to an island. All other cubicles are huddled near the front door while hers is on the far back. When she moved in, she has already an established reputation and it had caged her even more. She's fast and efficient yet people were very cautious of her. It doesn't help she uses lunchtime to do more work. She's the first to arrive and last to leave in their department. Always in the shadows, sometimes, her officemates forget she's there. The only reminder is the constant clacking of her stapler against the memos that go through her. Solitude, it's what she asked for, anyway.

 

 

That Friday, Phil missed his call. If he can't call on that day, their day as he like to call it, he'd make sure to reach her as soon as his schedule permits. He was gushing to her about how Steve Rogers woke up a few months ago and last week, was proud to tell her he's a big part of designing Captain America's new suit. He even went to tell her she'll be welcome to fly this helicarrier he's on. _Not my style_ , she answers back. "I know - bus suits you better. Tell me when you want to fly again, I'll get you the best one out there." She smiles at that.

The following Saturday was filled with news of these superheroes fighting aliens in midtown New York. But all of it mean nothing to her. He's gone. Around midnight, she got a call but not what she was waiting for. She picks the receiver. Hill spoke first.

"Melinda." Her former rookie wouldn't usually address her like that. 

"Agent Hill."

"Phil... he's g-" She hung up. She managed to rip the telephone cord in how she disconnected it in haste. She knew what Maria was going to say. Better if she didn't. She doesn't need explanations because only one thing's clear, she couldn't save him either.


	3. Chapter 3

For the first time in twenty years, she found herself crying. No one's here to stop the tears anyway. She let it all out until she fell asleep. When the dreams came shortly after, it wasn't just the little girl anymore. There was Phil, his chest gushing with blood but trying his best to smile at her. "I failed, I wasn't enough for both of you. I..." She woke up to find herself almost shouting those pleading, anguish-filled words. Her eyes were swollen but the tears haven't ran out. Monday came and she didn't miss out reporting for work.

She was given Friday as a day-off and she opted do a long drive to her mom straight from work. Five hours later, she parked the almost unused Sedan in her space in the garage. It's not a surprise her mother's waiting inside.

"All these months, you've made every excuse not to come here. Why come now?"

"I'm sorry." _  
_

"Huh. Have you eaten yet?" Her mother always knew. They had dinner.

"So, how's work?"

"All good. I love the stapler."

"You should know better than to be sarcastic to me."

They both smiled. But Melinda knew she have to talk this out and there is no better choice than her mother. "Maria called last week."

"How is she? I heard there was much cleaning up to do in New York."

"We actually did not talk much. I hung up the phone. She brought me news..."

"...that he's dead, yes. She called me too since you do not want to talk to her."

"I don't know what to talk about."

"He died a hero."

"He has always been."

"You're blaming yourself... Qiaolian, look at me."

"I thought I was doing what will be best for him."

"You did. He would still be involved there because that's his job. "

"But..."

"Stop with the but's. I did not raise my daughter to be like this. I did not say anything when you came home all those years ago because you needed to find answers yourself. Seems like you still haven't."

She tried to reply but her mother raised her hand to stop her. "You're as every bit the hero to him as he is to you. How you two ended, I'm not saying I approve of it, but you both did the choices you made. Don't put it all on yourself."

"Sorry I didn't come to you earlier, mom."

"You forget I'm here too." Her mother gets up and pats her shoulder. "Well, it's getting late. You should rest."

"Good night, mom. Thank you."

"I am your mother, I do what I do. Good night."

If her mother heard her muffled crying, no comment was made when they had breakfast. Melinda headed back to her apartment shortly after.

 

She decided to stay home for the rest of the weekend as there's nowhere else to go now. She plans on sleeping as long as she could. But a characteristic knock interrupted her. It was Nick Fury.

"I called in on you because I want to return something I know belongs to you." He hands her the wedding ring she gave to Coulson when she left him at their girl's grave. "It's on the inner pocket on the left side of the suit he's wearing. I recognized it right away."

She didn't respond but her gaze was fixed on the ring on her hand. It was a simple, inconspicuous white gold band. She insisted so. _Keeping it simple doesn't mean I wouldn't like it, Phil_. The little amethyst crescent moon was his idea. Her thoughts were interrupted as she traced the 'We'd be there 'til the end of forever, I promise.' engraving on the inside.

"You were always on his heart. You never stopped being so. That guy insisted on you two getting married even when I threatened him with a demotion to Level 1, do you remember that?"

"The tea's getting cold, sir."

He ignored the invitation and changed topic. "Agent May, have you heard of Project T.A.H.I.T.I.?"

"He oversaw that one but I don't want anything to do with that. You forget, sir, I don't work on the field anymore."

"But you should. I'm leaving you with these files. I'll be at the Triskelion."

She was planning not to even glance at it. But Fury had leave that picture of Coulson on the operating table with a timestamp. _Three days ago? That's supposed to be impossible_. She was done with the file before she knew it. She kept rereading it. _Even for S.H.I.E.L.D., this is cruel_.

She storms in. "Why, sir? You want me to lie? To **him**?"

"We're in S.H.I.E.L.D. You're a specialist, trained to keep secrets. It's the only way to protect him."

"But I've always been honest with Coulson, sir. You knew what lengths I went for that to stay that way."

"Agent May, I get it. And I should have at least told you - you've been mourning more than any of us. But time is essential. I gave you as much intel as I could."

She tried to remain composed but emotions got the better of her. "So I don't have the complete file?!"

"I shared with you what you needed to know. Now it's up to you to decide what action you'll take. Tell me, would you rather he actually died?"

 _Yes. No. I don't know. It's too painful already. But he..._  Melinda left these things unsaid. "Give me time to prepare."

"Two days."

The following day, she's done with the parameters for Coulson's team. She made sure the right candidates would be in his shortlist. A doctor who could repair his body, a technician who could reprogram his brain and a specialist to help her put him down if it had to be done. She struggled to finish that thought.

 

"Agent May." That voice could not belong to anyone else.

 _Why does it have to be this quick?_ She has it all laid out for him but that moment, her determination faltered and she told him no. Twice. Y _es, it's a no because how can she let him in again? And in this kind of situation?_ It's too much to ask of herself but there's no backing out now. She almost thought her eyes were deceiving her when it finally sinks to her. She is talking to her Phil - living, breathing Phillip Coulson. He's here again, smiling his way into her life. _What is he saying? Oh, an airbus. Seems like it was only yesterday you were telling me the exact same thing. You want me back and you're bribing me with a 'very nice' plane... so, some things didn't change._ Her gaze is fixed to his. If time could be stopped by mere will, it would have happened already. _Change or not, it doesn't matter - you're here and I didn't lose you. There's no length I wouldn't go to if that's what it takes to protect you from everything, even yourself_.

 

"Can I come in?"

"This is your plane."

"Yeah, you're right. If only I knew how to fly a plane, I could be your co-pilot." She tries to hide a smile.

"I told you it's very nice."

"Mhmm."

"I made sure I got the very best one for you, to thank you."

She pressed autopilot and turned to face him, her head cocked sideways.

"I was scared you really meant it when you said no."

"Should I?"

"May, don't say that. I need you, more than ever."

_I feel the same way, Phil. Bahrain scarred me. About a lot of things. Things that I cannot change, things already gone. I won't promise anything beyond my capabilities. One thing's for sure, I'll always have you back._

He's almost pouting because of her last quip. She gave him a reassuring smile and he lightened up. "Landing in five."


End file.
